"'What' and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.. " -Letters to Juliet
What if I found my cardigan before you woke up? everything will be so different. What if I left without saying goodbye? again everything will be so different. I was wrong for not minding my own business.
The moment i finished reading what i was not supposed to, everything went blurry, my chest pounded million times faster, i didn't know what to do, what to say, i was not even sure if im going to cry, laugh or just be quiet, i held my ground, fixed myself and tried my hardest to never let me lose my composure, my head made a quick replay of things, happy thoughts became questions, doubts, fear. IT FELT LIKE A DREAM. I WAS ALONE IN THAT DREAM AND I WAS TERRIFIED. surreal is the word to describe it all.
I turned the lights on, fixed my stuff and searched for my jacket, nowhere. The faint light woke him up, Everything went still. I don't want to say anything, i just want to escape, thinking not talking about it will make everything seem like it never happened, i'll just pretend. But no, he caught me off guard and i burst in tears. God.... I swear it felt like a dream and a movie but it was real, so real i went numb.
I said to myself.. Tomorrow, I’ll fake a smile. I’ll hold up my
head and pretend to laugh without knowing the joke. I’ll have
conversations that make no sense and I’ll watch a world I don’t
understand. The people around me, don’t know I stopped giving a damn
long ago - I doubt they realize, all being too wrapped up in their next
‘let’s get smashed and not remember in the morning’ parties.. to
actually notice. It’s hard describing this feeling. I’m not sure if I’ve
given up on the rest of the world, or if they’ve just given up on me.
We walked and talked that cold morning, I still haven't found my cardigan yet. I opened my heart to hear him, he deserved it. But do I deserve that? just thinking.
we were silent, in my head i was praying and I only had 2 prayers,i prayed that God would somehow make me a bird so i can fly away and that God will help me accept things I cannot change and move on because again, I love him. yes. very much.
I wanted to end us, but i knew in the back of my mind ending it will not make everything okay, i know deep, he is worth it, us is worth it. I know that I only needed time, eventually everything will be okay. i will be okay.
Now we're okay, i guess i just needed time, more time, he loves me i know. I love him. yes. but i will always be the girl who has trust issues, I over-analyze, I over-think.
But somehow when he looks at me, oh I love the way he looks at me, I like the way i feel when he looks at me, like i wanna believe in myself. like everything is okay, that i am safe. I just wish I could escape this, I miss the way writing used to make me feel-
free, liberated. I’m constantly trapped in my own thoughts and not
being able to escape these voices and images, and it sucks, Its self-destructing. If only there's a turn off button or a reset, or someone who can compel me to forget, just forget.
